Scags at 18 by Deborah Emin

Author:Deborah Emin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: feminist, 1969, March on Washington, anti-war, Virginia Woolf, Adrienne Rich, Noam Chomsky, Robert Lowell, college, Beatles, T.S. Eliot
Publisher: Sullivan Street Press
Published: 2014-04-14T16:00:00+00:00

Date: Tuesday, 10/21/69

Charles’ return from his weekend in New York City set off a wave of jealousy in me. No matter how often he tells me he loves me, there is that spot inside me that is suspicious of him and everyone.

Truly, I am getting to know people better and to like them more. Even Kit, my neighbor is no longer such a thorn in my side. My roommate, Sylvie, is sweet, although we’ll never be best friends like Eileen and I are. Lauren is special too.

But this jealousy rises up and makes me see the world in a blackness that makes all these people my enemy. If I can pinpoint a moment when the blackness returned it was when Charles began talking about his Halloween Party. He sat with me in the kitchen, smoking a joint and telling me about the previous parties. My jealousy boiled so high that it arrived in my throat. I had to put a frozen smile on my face. I watched Charles and said to myself, “He’s having all the fun.”

He jumped out of his chair and ran to the hall closet. He pulled out an old gorilla costume and put the head on.

“Tony wears this every year. He’s the butler, hands out the drinks and the drugs, whatever the guest desires. He writes down the guest’s name and the costume title. We vote at the end of the night for the best costume. I really love these parties, Scags, and now you’ll be here with me.”

He lunged for me with that stupid gorilla head on, trying to pick me up like he was King Kong. I refused to play along.

Charles asked me what was wrong.

“I’m thinking Charles.”

He stood in front of me with his hands on his hips but with that stupid gorilla mask on and asked me about what.

“I’m thinking what I’m going to be.”

He liked that answer and without playing with me more, he left me alone to conjure up the appropriate costume for his yearly Halloween Party.

On days like this, I think he has fallen in love with the person he wants me to be and not with who I am. That’s probably typical with lovers. I don’t know.

Where’s my Aunt Money when I need her?

I’m going to write her a letter about this. I know she will laugh at me and maybe what I need is to hear someone laughing at how stupid all this is. She’ll say, “Really Scags, just have some fun. Okay kiddo?”

Is that what she will say? I’m going to find out. I’m going to send her a letter tonight.

As far as Charles’ party—I’m going to be my nice self and go along with all the plans. He will tell me what to do. I will do it, no matter what. He’ll make his lists of things to get at the store and we will go together. Though, I heard him asking Tony to take me with him in the van. It holds more than his Jeep.

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